wow I haven’t done a series since 2010 . how should I name them ? epiphany 1 , 2 , 3 etc ? lol this is bigger than an epiphany though … how about just “this is the second one” .
in my high school years , I was a bit of a rebel lol . but it was always because I was saying something other people were too afraid to say . and I didn’t really have a reason . I just did it . and I did it a lot . lol it was fun . and I took pride in it . I never saw this as being a part of who I am until today . sparing the details , I’ve chosen to speak out about an issue in our community that most people are too afraid to talk about . that’s all I really have to say about that . lol
but it had to be mentioned because I’ve realized that re-finding myself , I’m indirectly channeling each and every aspect of who I was when I knew exactly what that meant . it’s thrilling , scary and hilarious all at the same time because none of this is happening on purpose lol
I think my absence of passion and muse is due to the difference in scale from then to now . all the things I loved were small scale in high school , and , compared to their respective counterparts in college (or the lack thereof) , aren’t as easy as they once were . and if they are , they aren’t as real as they once were . some have evolved beyond recognition . and more importantly , a lot of them aren’t as attainable , if they even still are at all . and i think this scale is what has created my hesitance on accepting a new walk of life . i hold on to my past for fucking dear life because I was so happy . I want to be happy again , even if I have to sacrifice breathing . I don’t need a someone to make me happy , I don’t need every latest … everything , I don’t need a peaceful home , I need the things that make me , me in a sense .
like holy shit , I need to revisit my love for music , my ear for good music , my appreciation for the art we call music . a good friend of mine (a friend who has often been written about and often reads) casually asked me , as he’s been doing for years , “heard any good music lately ?” , asking about the good stuff , the good stuff not on the cover of XXL and in the 106&Park countdown . like not the stuff that’s all starting to sound the same , but the good stuff . and at that moment I was so angry with myself , because all I could answer was “nahh not really I’ve just been so busy .” I never thought I’d be too busy for discovering the greatest , latest , and most underrated music , something that came as second nature to me as just listening . I used to be able to listen to a song and really be able to dissect and rebuild a beat just in my head , further appreciating a good sound , like wow I wanna learn how to DO that . at night i’d dream about somehow being in the industry when I got older because I just wanted to be around it aaaaall the time . and then I wanted to be a plastic surgeon , so I really didn’t know how I was going to do that , but I respected all of my dreams and aspirations , because that’s just what they were . it’s crazy because now that I’m on my way to being a certified public accountant IN the industry , that last part has really taken a back burner . and I think this comes from now living in an environment that only listens to radio trap music and the occasional fall out boy or Miley Cyrus joint . and this superficial “music” has pushed me in a new obsession of celebrity gossip , lol looking for something real I guess . where I’m from , the different shit was what we wanted to hear at the school dance or in the car on the way to wherever we were going . so that’s what I’m missing .
I’ll admit it , I’m angry that I’m not 16 with maybe 3 responsibilities and a dream . but I don’t think it’s because I don’t wanna grow up , I just haven’t figured out how to be 20 yet . I had 16 MASTERED , since I was 14 lol I never let 09 go . I still walk around with it on my heart . but the transition is what seems to be the issue . I had a good grip on every thing around me then , a leverage for me to create and grow and explore and achieve , and I’m being a brat wanting to have my cake and eat it too . I spend a lot of time pouting because I don’t have that hold on my environment but it’s life and I need to suck it up lol but this is a start of making the best of what I’m given . it may not all be the same , but every day (or when I can) I’m gonna write my way through implicating the things that I love back into my life , because I’ve been reaching for them in all of the wrong ways .